every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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