No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
