And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
