i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
