Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
What drink are we having for lunch?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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