God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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