I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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