That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
