mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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