I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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