people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
