Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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