ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
