the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
