No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
