Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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