my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
