I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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