The best revenge is premature balding
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
