96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
