connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
