sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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