Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
