So drunk its hurt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just forgot I was standing up.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
