you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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