You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My ass is underappreciated
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
