Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
