I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
