Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
