I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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