If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
