Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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