This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
tell me about the eggs
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
