I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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