I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
