I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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