shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
