UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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