i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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