3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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