On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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