I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
