The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
