i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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