How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
