yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
