there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
