I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
