did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
