ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
