Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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