she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
