She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
