I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
