There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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